


The Words He Didn't Say

by AlixWrites



Series: Jarchie [2]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, M/M, Muteness, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2019-09-04 23:29:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16799194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlixWrites/pseuds/AlixWrites
Summary: That one where Jughead is selectively mute, Archie doesn't know, and he makes things worse before they can get better.(TW: Implied/Referenced Abusive Relationship(s), Self Harm, Possible Suicide Attempt(s), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse)





	1. Some Things Need to be Said

**Author's Note:**

> (Based on personal experience.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mainly based on personal experiences.

_11/29/18 It's funny how just a few words could trigger an experience so intensely terrifying and traumatic. When you think about it, just a few syllables can be life-changing. I can put the words together until I know exactly what I want to say but the words don't go anywhere. They just bounce off the walls in my head endlessly until I can't think straight. My heart turns to lead as it plunges into my stomach then bounces off it, as if on a trampoline, until it hits my throat. Boing, boing, boing. My lead heart scrapes against my insides as it starts to vibrate. This is a good day for me._

And with that sentence at an end, Jughead can get back to his friends. He got himself a journal after the self-diagnosis of Selective Mutism, a rare and severe anxiety disorder. This disorder causes an inability to communicate verbally when anxious, overwhelmed, stressed, etcetera. This journal helps him clear his head whenever he feels he needs to, though he isn't very fond of the idea, it helps.

"Hey Jug, you okay?" Archie asked, genuine concern painting his face. All he does in response is nod, it's pointless to try and talk now because he knows that if he does no sound will come out. His right arm starts to shake, almost as if it was seizing, so he buries it in his pocket which starts to shake violently. This is all too noticeable for the redhead. As Jughead attempts to retrieve his notebook someone grips his elbow and drags him out of earshot.

"What's wrong?" The once concerned boy now has a more fearful and sheepish expression. Now is probably a good time to mention he hasn't told anyone about his S.M. He easily gets away with not talking in classes or around others but with Archie, he couldn't keep up with the other boy's curiosity.

"Jug, say something," it was a demanding plea but the brunette was left slack-jawed. He was reaching for his notebook as a football just barely missed his head and Reggie dived for the ball. He just barely caught it and in the process knocking Jughead into Archie. With a soft grunt, he falls into Archie's arms. He grabs his notebook from the floor and begins writing.

_11/29/18 My lead heart begins to pound, it feels as if it's simultaneously imploding and exploding as my hand starts to shake even more violently. Everything goes cold and I can hear every sound but so much louder than I should. I can't breathe, yet I'm still trying. I feel as if I'm drowning. My lungs feel full of water and my head feels as if it's submerged 12ft under-_

"Jug, answer me." There was no plea in his voice this time.

-I need to get out.

He doesn't want to leave but his feet are moving before he can comprehend the fact that he stood up. The noise grows louder until his migraine is the only thing he can focus on. Something is grabbing his shoulder but his vision is blurred. He chokes on air still feeling as if none has entered his lungs. This isn't bad compared to his last panic attack but he isn't used to them going on for this long. It's been over 15 munites. The tug on his shoulder causes him to spin around and face Archie but he only seems more confused as Jughead continues to choke. His vision goes from blurry to black as he collapsed into Archie's arms.


	2. Some Things Shouldn't Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Based on personal experience.)

He's blinded when he finally opens his eyes. He is met with a familiar crinkling of the tissue paper they have you lay on in the nurse's office as he sits up. His vision is still blurry when a bright red catches his eye somewhere around the room. He rubs his eyes and looks for his journal. He needs it.

It takes him a few minutes to realize that red was Archies hair and that the boy hasn't realized he was awake. Jughead tilts his head to see what Archie was reading so intensely, Jughead's journal was in Archies hands, he was reading the boy’s every thought. It only takes a second before he's tearing the notebook away with no control of his body. The redhead releases the book immediately and takes the other into his arms.

"You scared me. Don't ever do that again." His voice came out shaky as he buried his face in the crook of Jug's neck. He let tears escape as the other boy stood there, numb.

"H- How far?" His voice barely audible but the redhead still heard it.

"Today. Only today." That was the one he wanted to keep to himself. Jug pulled the larger figure off of him and sat down. Pencil in hand he began writing.

_11/29/18 The familiar racing of my heart begins as I spiral into an endless panic. My migraine is back, I think. I can't think. Memories flood through my head. My father, he-_

Jughead closes the book and lets his pencil fall. His vision blurs again, his right arm violently shaking as he digs his nails into it. Blood. The nurse walks in.


	3. Others Shouldn't but are Anyways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on personal experience.

After he calms down he decides to write some more.

11/29/18  
Today is an episode. I forgot my constant. I'm sorry. I can't let go, I need my constant.

(Personal definitions  
Episode- a period of time in which everything is 10x more overwhelming than usual  
Constant- a necessity for 'episodes'; a noise or sensation that holds him in his 'normal' state-ex. drumming of fingers on a desk, sharp pain when he grips his arm)

Archie's saying something but Jug can't hear him over the ringing in his ears. "Please, don't" Jug mumbles repeatedly as he's drawn back to that moment.

-His dad stands there, barely able to stay on his feet. "Please, don't!" 12-year-old Jug begs as the bottom of one of his dad's beer bottles is smashed over the counter. His father stumbles and falls as Jughead, his mom, and Jellybean, run upstairs. "Bring me back my daughters!" They hear him yell on the other side of the locked door.-

He continues mumbling two words, "Please don't," his constant now is the pain in his arm. The blurs become clear and he can finally hear Archie, he's mumbling but sounds concerned, scared almost. The nurse is trying to explain things to the redhead but he's too focused on Jug to care. His heart rate slows and his breathing steadies. He won't dare release his arm but it's good enough for Archie to calm slightly.  
"I'm sorry." Is all Jughead says as he lays back against the wall behind him. He's somehow on the floor now.  
"Jug, are you okay?" Archie tries to sound calm with his nervous, shaky words. A small nod is his only response.  
"What happened?" This time he reaches for his notebook.

That was a panic attack Archie, I get them a lot. I'll start to feel like I'm drowning. The pressure of being so deep underwater crushing my skull, a migraine, water filling my lungs as my heart turns to lead. I'll sink deeper as my vision blurs, tears fill my eyes but they don't dare spill onto my cheeks, and there's a rope that taunts me. I can't reach it, it's always barely out of my reach so I can never pull myself to the surface, I feel like I can't save myself.

He tears off his note and hands it to Archie. Both fear and confusion grow behind his glassy eyes as he reads the note. Silence falls as horror paints his face. Regret fills Jughead.


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm so, so, sorry." Archie still sounded afraid and Jughead still shook slightly as a small drop of his blood hit the floor. Archie decided to hug him, though at first, the contact startled him, he soon started to lean into the other’s warm embrace.

-Ring-  
The bell. Archie was late, it was Jug’s fault.   
Or at least that's what he thought, school had actually just ended.  
11/27/18  
Go to your class, don't be late because of me. 

He tore off another piece of paper and handed it to the redhead.  
"No, I'm staying with you." He sounded more forceful than he intended but he didn't care, he was sticking with his best friend right now.

Jughead was so happy to hear that, he needed the warmth that the other boy provided, but he really needed rest. Luckily the redhead didn't seem to care when he started to doze off in his arms.

It had been three hours since he had passed out, or at least that's what the clock said when he finally woke up.

Archie still held him in his arms in the exact same spot on the cold tile floor.   
"Hey, are you feeling any better?" The redhead's smile grew when Jughead nodded to him.

Jughead nodded, smiling softly and blushing lightly. Archie still cuddled him on the floor, staring at the brunet he secretly adored.  
Jug tried to move, failing due to Archie cuddling him from behind. That was when he realized he was in Archie's lap.

Jughead somehow managed to blush brighter before quickly standing and turning away. Archie blushed, standing as well, and gathering his things.

"Hey Jug, the girls want us at Pop's in half an hour, do you want me to cover for you?" Archie said with an embarrassed smile. Jughead shook his head, gathering his things. They walked down the empty school halls together, saying their goodbyes and parting ways by the gate.


End file.
